Garth : "Don’t berate my Rod!" *

Okay Garth we won’t. But anything else you say will be written down.

Caro: "I didn’t realise Ashburton was so far away."

A 2am arrival at the backpackers in a converted 1950’s old peoples home. Soft beds. Better than no beds (though some people may disagree).

Dissension in the ranks. The cars go to different breakfast spots. Its fine and sunny at Mt Cook. However its too windy and the planes haven’t flown all day. We claim bunks at Unwin. Lynn, Dieter and Dave S head to Sebastopol Bluffs. The rest of us hoon past the tourists up the Hooker. Rain. We pay our respects at the memorial and try not think too much about what the plaques say. Coffee and cake at Charlie’s. We see Dave Langrish (from the Wilkin) there – he recommends flying out of Tasman Saddle.

Dave L: "The best $200 you’ll ever spend"

Be at the airport at 11am. Okay. Chitty, Matthew and Garth volunteer to go in the Cessna with the 1.5 hour walk. The rest of us go in the Porter with the heavy gear and the 15 minute walk. We meet a guide. She forgets we are not her students and goes into lecture mode. Lunch. We head to Hochstetter Dome. Matthew stays behind. Lynn nimbly floats over a crevasse. Rach and Caro jump into it and Garth tries to leap down the mountain in a single bound.

Rach: "Yellow snow does not taste like pineapple."

Matthew: "Team, what shall we do tomorrow? I’d like to go to Brodrick."

The forecast was for the weather to get bad in the afternoon. We get up at 2am. We all head to Elie. Lynn and Dieter lead. We don’t take the best route. It was dark. Onto the Anna Glacier. Caro and Garth go across the snow bridge and find a very large hole. Dieter and Lynn try to go around and find a soft snow bridge and a dodgy route. We retreat. In the afternoon the bad weather arrives.

The weather is still there in the morning. Matthew is onto his third book. Lynn has FHM. The boys learn how to attract women. Thankfully they don’t try it. Rach sleeps. Ben sleeps. It clears. Dieter and Lynn take their rock gear to the bottom of Darwin.

Dieter: "We got spanked!"

Rach sleeps.

Caro, Garth, Chitty, Ben, Dave and Matthew climb the perilous south face of Mt Aylmer.

Matthew: "Team, what shall we do tomorrow? I’d like to go to Brodrick."

Caro and Garth rope up and go to Mt Green. The rope doesn’t come off till they get back to the hut. Chitty, Dave and Rach rope up and leave the hut. Then they return. Then they leave again. They are now all wearing helmets. Ben and Matthew go to Brodrick. They get to Tasman Saddle and decide it is a long way and climb Mt Abel instead. From Kelman Hut they don’t bring back fresh FHMs. Lynn and Dieter delight in the quality NZ rock and get halfway along to Annan.

Meanwhile on Mt Green…

The snow is nice. Garth kicks great steps. As Garth and Caro come down the summit face Chitty and Dave go up. Rach sits at Divers Col. Garth and Caro sit there too then realise the snow is getting soft and leave when the boys get back.

Caro: "Garth, is that a crevasse?"

Garth (up to his armpits): "Of course it’s a f****** crevasse"

We opt for the avalanche debris slopes over the dodgy snow bridge between two large crevasses and stumble back to the hut in soft conditions to escape the heat and sun.

The toilet is getting full. We tell DoC there is no splash back just yet.

Matthew: "Team, what shall we do tomorrow? I’d like to go to Brodrick."

Lynn and Dieter get up so early that they have to sit at Divers Col for an hour waiting for the sun to come up. They climb Mt Green and then Mt Walter because it was there.

Chitty climbs Peak 9144. Matthew declines due to dodgy rock (and he’d been there before).

Breakfast, elevenses, lunch. Rach sleeps. Ben sleeps. Afternoon tea, supper, dinner, dessert. Still no new FHMs have been brought back from Kelman.

The weather forecast for Friday is bad. There is a severe weather warning for Friday afternoon including 150ml of rain within 15km of the main divide in 3 hours. We had planned to walk out. We discuss options.

3.30am. No one has slept well. Its quite windy and drizzling. After a bit of discussion we go back to sleep. Caro dreams of basketball player size aliens taking over the earth.

6.30am. It’s a bit calmer but there’s not much time to beat the heavy rain to the moraine wall. Some people contemplate leaving. Most of us sleep.

Breakfast. Coffee (Dave’s been stuck here before). Cards.

Caro: "Green jellybeans make you horny"

Rach sleeps. Ben sleeps.

Dave: "Rachael and Ben have been good sleepers on this trip"

Caro: "Young fit guys should be up all night"

We do long division and multiplication to work out Garths BMI. We also learn Garth was part of the King Country Knot Tying Champions at age 12.

More cards, food, sleep. The wind is picking up again and its raining. Going to the toilet is an effort. More food. The toilet gets fuller.

Chitty reads the FHM with the International page.

Chitty: "Ahhh those Taiwanese girls…. Asian fever"

Garth and Dave read FHM.

Garth: "Amy from Helly Hanson is very well built"

Dave: "If that’s the future of thermals I’ll get into them"

We listen to the DoC radio sked. Its Andy Hoyle (has been involved with Wgtn AIC in the past).

Rach: "I’m going to miss his voice. I’ll have to get him to ring me when I get home – its quite sexy"

Dave recorded it for everyone to savour. (Click here).

3.30am. Garths alarm goes off. No one else wakes up. Its still windy.

6.00am. We get up. The weather is slowly clearing. Lots of wind deposited snow and no freeze.

8.00am. We all leave.

Soft snow, white ice, lunch then moraine. Its quite hot now. We run out of water. The front team spend an hour trying to cross the river at the base of Garbage Gut. Bad blisters. Car shuttles.

We walk into The Old Mountaineers Café in plastics, gaiters and climbing clothes. Wedges for dinner. Thanks Charlie.

Trip Participants: Garth London, Caroline Duggan, Rachael Schmidt, Matthew Stevens, Ben Anderson, Dave Shanks, Dave Chittenden, Lynn Ayers, Dieter Ayers

* Garth was in fact referring to the musical abilities of Rod Stewart who happened to be playing on Classic Hits at approximately 1.45am in the morning. However music had nothing to do with the enormous blister he got on his hand one time from his pole.